Let Go - Go Fish

Yesterday I went to a seminar on reemerging into the workforce as a entrepreneur, and low and behold I run into the ex and her wife. OK Mary Beth, Breathe. I wave at the wife and sit at another table. Although I know that I'm in a better place and I know that everything happens for a reason and all the other things I funnel through my brain.... I still had a rise of emotion. Breathe into it. I survived and was friendly and the heat in my head went away.

As I left I called a dear friend. This is, of course, what we girls do - call our friends when we are in need or have a great story to share.

She told me she had read a blog awhile back about the game of Go Fish. This game is famous! You have cards in your hand and you are trying to make a match. You ask someone "do you have an 8?" (only of course if you are looking for a 8). If the person you ask does not have an 8, your heart doesn't break, you don't feel dis pare, you simply follow the directions and "Go Fish".

Life is a game of "Go Fish". With G, she had some of the right cards, I had some of the right cards, but maybe not the most important cards. And I get to go fish. The pain is real, the heartache exists, but given the opportunity to "Go Fish" means I pick up another card. I add this card to my hand. That means I have something else to give away! I have learned a lesson. I have gained a skill. This can apply to friends too, lately I've been wondering what happened to certain friendships - maybe our cards don't match anymore.

Think of this in other aspects of your life... You go on a job interview. It feels good. Unfortunately, you don't get the job. You get to "Go Fish". You have just obtained some knowledge/experience that will help you the next time. And when you have the cards that an employer wants, you find a match and you get the job.

This is all well and good in theory. But how do we let go of the attachment? The feeling of hope, love, wanting, lusting, wishing, longing and more? How do we let of of those feelings that we have attached ourselves to related to whatever situation we are in. That my friend I don't know. For me, it has been Yoga, breathing, baking, friends, and lots of me-time. Also, changing my perspective. It's OK if I'm not the right person for a certain job or significant other, "Go Fish".

So Breathe
Let Go
Go Fish
Use the cards in your hand, add to them, and give them away to others!

Year in Reflection

Ringing in the new year is always fun no matter how you do it. I've had the chill parties and I've had the all out parties, heck 10 years ago Martha and I had a crazy, crazy party.

Last night was wonderful, I went to a friends house for some amazing vegan goodness, dance party (we had an awesome dj), and even a drum circle! I have been nursing a cold so I rang it all in in style with lots of water. Go me.

As I sat on the couch after the ball dropped I told a friend how happy I was to have 2009 come to an end, as I have claimed it had been the worst year of my life. Then I looked around. None of the people I was with were in my life before 2009. I was in a room full of beautiful people who have made my life so full.

So the pros and cons, well the only con is the incredible heart ache that I felt (feel). So let's get to the pros:

I felt the most amazing love I have ever felt
New job
New apartment
Friends, old and new full of love and support
Found yoga
Sweet Peace Bakery - the beginnings of my vegan bakery becoming a reality
Finding myself (priceless)
Breaking up (a gift that is slowly being realized)
Friends, did I say that already?

There is so much more! So, in 2010 my journey continues. I think that maybe we have to feel extreme heart ache to realize true love. And I will be giving birth to my hopes and dreams!
Stay tuned... life is only getting better.

Finality

Today I signed the papers to make the house G's. It has been quite the journey. I remember when I started this journey. When I first met G the love and the promise that just swept me away. This was to be something like no other. And in this journey I found great love. I found the ability to give of myself, things that I had never been able to give to anyone else.
I have also found that the song is right "sometimes love just isn't enough". Through my love I still could not make G happy. And I now know it is not my job to make her happy. Our happiness should not rely on each other - we should be happy with our without each other.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier, my heart still yearns for the love we once shared. Despite it all I know this path is the right one. And with selling the house to G I am one step closer to ending this chapter.

Hope Alone

Let's not drag this out
Everything's in motion
Though I've only ever loved you kind
And with devotion
Remember when I met you
You were leaving from the start
I thought one day you'd probably just come home
And break my heart
It's funny what you know
And still go on pretending
With no good evidence
You'll ever see that happy ending
You Looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
I know I'm a dreamer
So I'll give you that
Still I hope I'm more than just a place
You laid your hat
You're a land of secrets
Its only citizen
And though I paid my dues
I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger
Especially today
Cause I get sad and lonely
And you get your way
You were looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
That we were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
Holding on for change
I know We never stood a chance
So I could only wait
And watch you slip right through my hands
You were always looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big

Friends

According to the band Cake, FRIEND is a four letter word.

I have been thinking about friendship a lot lately. Because I often wonder, is this person really my friend. I mean I wouldn't consider the people listed as "friends" on my facebook or myspace really my friends. Not all of them anyway. So why are they there. What defines a friend? I have seriously had people come out of the woodwork expecting me to invite them to my wedding. OK, so if I haven't talked to you or seen you in 5+ years, I'm not inviting you. Just because you were a part of my childhood does not make you a part of my present. And all that said, that doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means we aren't really friends anymore.
I feel like my friends are people that I would call in the middle of the night for an emergency. I can count those people on one hand. So does that mean I invite five people to my wedding? ha ha. That would cut down the cost.

OK I have to invite the relatives. But a friend is someone I want to hang out with in my free time. Someone who wants to hang out with me. Notice the two way street. In the past I've been the invite everyone along kind of girl, not anymore. Now I'm the "you have a phone too, pick it up" kind of girl.

It's also funny as we get older, or maybe just me. I'm not interested in shallow stuff. I could care less about surface info. In college and right after it was great to have a million friends and have plans all the time, now I have close ones.

I just think it's funny how loosely we use the word friends in so many situations.

Another Year

Another year has come and gone. I always feel like New Years Resolutions are a bit silly as they are not really my new year. My new year comes with my birthday. And so it has passed. The best present in my life is the arrival of G. She is here. She arrived in Ohio on Friday. It's a great feeling to know that she is always going to be here. (When I say here I mean with me. Here is relative.) We spent so many months cramming in as much time together in short stints. And now our life together has a new beginning.

So, as new beginnings go, this is a great one. I'm so happy to be going on life's journey with her. She and I work perfectly together. We ran errands all day on Saturday, cleaned out closets, rearranged things. Sunday we had our engagement pictures taken. I'm looking forward to my new year!

All of it

I've been thinking I should post a blog... and I haven't... so here I am.
Getting married is so much more than a wedding. It's everything... absolutely everything. If someone told me even one year ago I would meet someone that I would share a bank account with... be willing to get rid of stuff I've had for years. On that note... who knew living alone for 6 years would make one acquire so much stuff.... ugh... I hate the amount of stuff I have.
Really, I never would have believed that I would be where I am today, fully committed to sharing my life...

With the floweriness of this it also has it's rough times... What bed will we choose, yours or mine, what couch... will we just buy new... can we afford that?

People get so worked up about the wedding... what about the marriage?

Distance

The thing I hate most is right now is the physical distance between G and I . I love that she lives in Portland only because I love Portland. I hate that she lives in Portland because I have to travel 3,000 + miles to see her. The distance wears on me sometimes. I think of all the things I want to tell her or laugh with her about... and she's not in close proximity to do so. By the time we get to chat on the phone sometimes I forget to tell her the funny antidotes of the day. Good news is that we will soon see each other, I can't wait!

Engaged

My Girlfriend and I knew pretty quickly that this relationship would be the one that sticks. We are very open about our feelings and what we want in our future.

So it happened:

I brought her home to meet my parents over Thanksgiving. Prior to this we had talked about being engaged before the end of the year, but not having the money in our savings for some lavish ring and all that. Fast forward to my parents house on Thanksgiving evening. My mom showed me my grandmother's engagement ring which I was not pleased with, but thought that it's not about the ring, it's about our love. So I broght it to the living room to show my girl. She looked at it for awhile and then pulled out the ring I have wanted since we started ring shopping. THE PERFECT RING!

I then asked her to marry me...