on the verge of a new year

I have to say that I am looking forward to the new year.  Not because 2011 was bad.  In fact, I'd say 2011 is a year that I will look at fondly.  I had a wonderful 2011.

• I met an amazing woman who I thought might be someone I'd date long term.  I enjoyed every moment I spent with her and look forward to moving forward in friendship as we both grow. 
• I started to really take care of my diet - tried raw, did a cleanse went mostly gluten free - learned ways to make my body feel good simply by eating right
• Joined FITE - best gym ever.  
• dropped 2 pants sizes (yes the last three bullets are kind of on the same page - but taking care of myself became a main priority in 2011 and it feels great)
• Went thru prenatal yoga training
• finished my 200 hr yoga training
• went to camp camp
• bought a VW bus for my bakery 
• Bakery expanded even more
• took more action toward animal rights
• found more ways to share my passion

OK, I know there is more.  I do love 2011 and all it brought - the good and the bad (and it definitely had it's lows)... I know 2012 will be even better.  More personal growth, more expansion at my heart center, more healing energy, more letting go, abundance for myself and abundance that I can share.  So i welcome the new year with light and love.

What is Camp?

Many people in my life know me because I was a camp director for 9 years of my life and also a camp staff member, camper etc. all with the Girl Scouts. I left the Girl Scouts for a new job and direction about two years ago. This week... I've been missing camp. I locked myself out of my house yesterday morning and while I was waiting on the porch for my roommate to rescue me I thought, wow if I were at camp I would have gone for a swim, put up the flag, sang some songs, ate breakfast, played with the campers and be in the camp office most likely joking around with the ad staff.

I also got word yesterday that the first camp I ever directed, Camp Tweedale, in Oxford, Pa is being sold. At first I was really sad but also understanding that the merge of councils and realignment that these things happen. This I'm sure was taken under much consideration and many decision makers took part in the process.

Then came the memories....

Tweedale is full of memories for me:

-at 22 I was an assistant camp director for the first time then director for the next two years
-crushed on my first girl, you know who you are :) and then also dated my first girl (and second, haha)
-had tan lines from the numerous friendship bracelets
-met people from all over the world which resulted in trips to Scotland, Holland and England and a post camp vacation in the Virgin Islands all with camp people.
-learned to play guitar
-dyed my hair purple
-lost the canoes in a storm... oops
-got a speeding ticket driving girls to the AT
-Jinx and I moved our offices outside for a day, yay for new office furniture being on wheels, haha
-late nights chilling in the Barn Circle with Kia (an instant summer best friend!)
-baby skunk getting stuck in the pool and spraying
-spider and ape building me an amphitheatre on my last day of camp, knowing that I was moving to another camp for full time employment
-screaming campers in the Forest Unit
-Jinx not wanting to call 911 with her accent
-taking the cook to the hospital
-tics

Oh soooo much more. This camp, Camp Tweedale taught me so much, how to be a leader, love, respect, more than I can put into words. But really these memories have nothing to do with the physical location of the camp... it has to do with the people.

And since it is my blog and I get to have my own soapbox here I want to say this. If we believe i camp so much and we are so sad to see this property disappear than what are we doing to keep what we do have? What are you doing to make sure your Girl Scout Camp experience is being continued for other girls? Are you volunteering? Are you donating money? Just because you love camp doesn't make it stay. Camps need money, volunteers, advocates, campers etc.

Here is my summary... camp is not just a location, it's the magic created by the community. It is simply the location we all met and where the magic was created. And, our memories won't keep the property running...

They may sell the property, but we'll always have our memories.

Letting Go

I have been thinking a lot about space and time, the things that we claim "happen to us", and continuing my personal growth. Personal growth has been big for me in the recent year or so. Asking myself, who am I, where am I going, is this how I want to walk through this world?

I feel like sometimes I have mild epiphanies, the other day was about creating space. I have never had a problem creating physical space. I can move over, empty a drawer, or clear something off the the table so someone else can be there, physically. But how am I making space in myself for someone.

Now, I think some of this is coming to me after reading "If the Buddha Dated". But truly, how am I making space inside me to allow others in. Not just a significant other, but people I care about. And am I proud enough of who I truly am to let them see the space within. Or maybe, am I comfortable enough about my journey, deeply rooted in it, that I feel comfortable sharing it with others despite reactions.

Today I think, letting go really means making space for newness. The more I let go the more light I can let in. For me this practice comes from meditation, noticing my thoughts and shifting my perception and my yoga practice.

I also want to share with you the things that make me happy, the things I'm letting in. Today the simple act of figuring out the google calendar and sharing it with someone very important in my life both expanded my knowledge and let her in to see a bit more of me. The perk is I get to see more of her as well.

Now to figure out mobile uploads and things for this blog.

Let Go - Go Fish

Yesterday I went to a seminar on reemerging into the workforce as a entrepreneur, and low and behold I run into the ex and her wife. OK Mary Beth, Breathe. I wave at the wife and sit at another table. Although I know that I'm in a better place and I know that everything happens for a reason and all the other things I funnel through my brain.... I still had a rise of emotion. Breathe into it. I survived and was friendly and the heat in my head went away.

As I left I called a dear friend. This is, of course, what we girls do - call our friends when we are in need or have a great story to share.

She told me she had read a blog awhile back about the game of Go Fish. This game is famous! You have cards in your hand and you are trying to make a match. You ask someone "do you have an 8?" (only of course if you are looking for a 8). If the person you ask does not have an 8, your heart doesn't break, you don't feel dis pare, you simply follow the directions and "Go Fish".

Life is a game of "Go Fish". With G, she had some of the right cards, I had some of the right cards, but maybe not the most important cards. And I get to go fish. The pain is real, the heartache exists, but given the opportunity to "Go Fish" means I pick up another card. I add this card to my hand. That means I have something else to give away! I have learned a lesson. I have gained a skill. This can apply to friends too, lately I've been wondering what happened to certain friendships - maybe our cards don't match anymore.

Think of this in other aspects of your life... You go on a job interview. It feels good. Unfortunately, you don't get the job. You get to "Go Fish". You have just obtained some knowledge/experience that will help you the next time. And when you have the cards that an employer wants, you find a match and you get the job.

This is all well and good in theory. But how do we let go of the attachment? The feeling of hope, love, wanting, lusting, wishing, longing and more? How do we let of of those feelings that we have attached ourselves to related to whatever situation we are in. That my friend I don't know. For me, it has been Yoga, breathing, baking, friends, and lots of me-time. Also, changing my perspective. It's OK if I'm not the right person for a certain job or significant other, "Go Fish".

So Breathe
Let Go
Go Fish
Use the cards in your hand, add to them, and give them away to others!

Brick Walls

I am thankful that when I hit a brickwall a little over 9 months ago that it caused a huge crack and a ton of sunlight came in. I think this happens to people more than we care to share. In one moment everything we know to be true about our lifes changes. The direction we are going makes a ninety degree turn and we have no choice but to take a sharp turn. And so it happened.

It feels so good to reflect on life, the things that have come and gone, the things that still are and the things that are ahead.

How many times have we all hit brickwalls and thought that, dramatically, it was the end of the world. I say we hit it hard, knock it down, and step on over it. Life is what we make of it!

One year later

I have been dreading today for a few months now. I wasn't sure how I would react. I wasn't sure how I would feel. Would I be able to handle it?

A year ago today Gloria gave me a ring and a promise of forever. And as life does, things have changed and our "forever" is not in the cards.

So today I'm taking a moment to reflect. I'm taking the time to be thankful for everything that is in my life. I truly feel like I'm right where I am supposed to be. My journey has brought me here. Gloria may not be "the one" as previously thought, but she brought joy and goodness to my life and in leaving she has helped me become stronger and realize what I want.

I am thankful for so much... my friends, my chosen family and the love bubble, YOGA (yoga helps me let go and I've been needing that), family, friends (I know I said that but I have amazing people in my life who are full of love and support who are there to be a shoulder to cry on and a pillar of strength)

Those are only a few of the things I'm thankful for. Each day I have a choice. My words and actions are an extension of who I am. Instead of feeling anger toward where life has lead me and think about what could/would/should have been, I choose to walk in peace and love and welcome the newness of life.

Thank you friends!

Change...

I feel very fortunate in life to find myself in places of inspiration. Lately the universe has brought me the things I need without me asking....
I have amazing friends the have lifted me up and continue to do so as I take this new journey. Sunday, I went to Earthsave Cincinnati's potluck and the speakers engaged us on activism. http://www.veganvideo.org. Monday night was another vegan potluck centering on world peace and veganism. Tonight I was at a fundraiser for our local women's choir MUSE and a musician by the name of Holly Near was there. Everyone there was at least 20 years older than me and together we all say "I ain't gonna study war no more" and tears came to my eyes. I have been blessed to be surrounded with beautiful souls who are active in making change in the world. It's all helping me find my peace and activate my soul.

Finality

Today I signed the papers to make the house G's. It has been quite the journey. I remember when I started this journey. When I first met G the love and the promise that just swept me away. This was to be something like no other. And in this journey I found great love. I found the ability to give of myself, things that I had never been able to give to anyone else.
I have also found that the song is right "sometimes love just isn't enough". Through my love I still could not make G happy. And I now know it is not my job to make her happy. Our happiness should not rely on each other - we should be happy with our without each other.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier, my heart still yearns for the love we once shared. Despite it all I know this path is the right one. And with selling the house to G I am one step closer to ending this chapter.

Hope Alone

Let's not drag this out
Everything's in motion
Though I've only ever loved you kind
And with devotion
Remember when I met you
You were leaving from the start
I thought one day you'd probably just come home
And break my heart
It's funny what you know
And still go on pretending
With no good evidence
You'll ever see that happy ending
You Looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
I know I'm a dreamer
So I'll give you that
Still I hope I'm more than just a place
You laid your hat
You're a land of secrets
Its only citizen
And though I paid my dues
I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger
Especially today
Cause I get sad and lonely
And you get your way
You were looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
That we were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
Holding on for change
I know We never stood a chance
So I could only wait
And watch you slip right through my hands
You were always looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big

Perspective

I'm now staying with my friend Martha. We have been friends since 7th grade and are no strangers to living together - we did so throughout college. Yesterday I was sitting on the couch and said "you know - next weekend I will not be married." Knowing that this coming Saturday is now what I call my "not wedding day"
Martha, who is going through a divorce said "I wish next weekend I would no longer be married"
So it's all perspective.

New Job

I have a lot of new things this year. It is a bit overwhelming but good. In a Whirlwind I applied for a job got an interview, second interview and BAM yesterday I was offered the job.

I will now be the Campaign Manager for Community Shares of Cincinnati. I describe them as the "grassroots United Way". I'm not sure anyone reads this but if you do you can go to www.cintishares.com.

I'm so very excited, I will finish up camp and then go straight to the new job. I'm ready to grow and learn.... expand my horizons!