Letting Go

I have been thinking a lot about space and time, the things that we claim "happen to us", and continuing my personal growth. Personal growth has been big for me in the recent year or so. Asking myself, who am I, where am I going, is this how I want to walk through this world?

I feel like sometimes I have mild epiphanies, the other day was about creating space. I have never had a problem creating physical space. I can move over, empty a drawer, or clear something off the the table so someone else can be there, physically. But how am I making space in myself for someone.

Now, I think some of this is coming to me after reading "If the Buddha Dated". But truly, how am I making space inside me to allow others in. Not just a significant other, but people I care about. And am I proud enough of who I truly am to let them see the space within. Or maybe, am I comfortable enough about my journey, deeply rooted in it, that I feel comfortable sharing it with others despite reactions.

Today I think, letting go really means making space for newness. The more I let go the more light I can let in. For me this practice comes from meditation, noticing my thoughts and shifting my perception and my yoga practice.

I also want to share with you the things that make me happy, the things I'm letting in. Today the simple act of figuring out the google calendar and sharing it with someone very important in my life both expanded my knowledge and let her in to see a bit more of me. The perk is I get to see more of her as well.

Now to figure out mobile uploads and things for this blog.

Year in Reflection

Ringing in the new year is always fun no matter how you do it. I've had the chill parties and I've had the all out parties, heck 10 years ago Martha and I had a crazy, crazy party.

Last night was wonderful, I went to a friends house for some amazing vegan goodness, dance party (we had an awesome dj), and even a drum circle! I have been nursing a cold so I rang it all in in style with lots of water. Go me.

As I sat on the couch after the ball dropped I told a friend how happy I was to have 2009 come to an end, as I have claimed it had been the worst year of my life. Then I looked around. None of the people I was with were in my life before 2009. I was in a room full of beautiful people who have made my life so full.

So the pros and cons, well the only con is the incredible heart ache that I felt (feel). So let's get to the pros:

I felt the most amazing love I have ever felt
New job
New apartment
Friends, old and new full of love and support
Found yoga
Sweet Peace Bakery - the beginnings of my vegan bakery becoming a reality
Finding myself (priceless)
Breaking up (a gift that is slowly being realized)
Friends, did I say that already?

There is so much more! So, in 2010 my journey continues. I think that maybe we have to feel extreme heart ache to realize true love. And I will be giving birth to my hopes and dreams!
Stay tuned... life is only getting better.

Finality

Today I signed the papers to make the house G's. It has been quite the journey. I remember when I started this journey. When I first met G the love and the promise that just swept me away. This was to be something like no other. And in this journey I found great love. I found the ability to give of myself, things that I had never been able to give to anyone else.
I have also found that the song is right "sometimes love just isn't enough". Through my love I still could not make G happy. And I now know it is not my job to make her happy. Our happiness should not rely on each other - we should be happy with our without each other.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier, my heart still yearns for the love we once shared. Despite it all I know this path is the right one. And with selling the house to G I am one step closer to ending this chapter.

Hope Alone

Let's not drag this out
Everything's in motion
Though I've only ever loved you kind
And with devotion
Remember when I met you
You were leaving from the start
I thought one day you'd probably just come home
And break my heart
It's funny what you know
And still go on pretending
With no good evidence
You'll ever see that happy ending
You Looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
I know I'm a dreamer
So I'll give you that
Still I hope I'm more than just a place
You laid your hat
You're a land of secrets
Its only citizen
And though I paid my dues
I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger
Especially today
Cause I get sad and lonely
And you get your way
You were looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
That we were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
Holding on for change
I know We never stood a chance
So I could only wait
And watch you slip right through my hands
You were always looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big

Working Backwards

So yesterday, I think to myself "I should see if I can make an appointment to get my hair done". I don't want to spend a lot of money in general, so I call the Aveda School (and Aveda is vegan). The woman asks me "what time would you like your hair done?" I figured an afternoon appointment if the ceremony is at 6:30. That makes sense. Then she proceeds to tell me that I should be working my day backwards - time everything....
So here is what I should be thinking about:
6:30 ceremony
What time should I be at the sight?
How long will it take to drive from the location I get dressed to the ceremony?
How long will it take to get from my hair/makeup to where I'm getting dressed? It could take 2 hours for hair, one hour for make up....
When do I eat?
When do my other girls get dressed and made up?
Can I do my own hair and Make up?
When will we do pictures... before the ceremony? after the ceremony? With G without G?
UGH!!!