Choices

Although I'm trying to free myself of being in control and what the future holds I also have to make decisions...

I have been in the market to buy a house for a little while now. This is a big deal. As much as I want to live in the moment and let life be what it is, I have to choose. I am torn between two houses so I'm going to blog out my pros and cons, is there really a better way to make a pros and cons list? I think not:

Two Family on Chase:

Pros

-very close (walkable) to my fav places, Northside Tavern, Sidewinders, Melt

-two family - a promise of part of my mortgage always being paid for

-adorable and trendy (is that two)

-great kitchens - the cabinets are great - good space and their are two

-can easily be a single family

-off street parking

-rental property - investment

-three full baths! if I have roomies this is bonus and a half

-hard wood floors on second and third floor

-current owner has yoga books and Buddha's (I know they don't come with the house) but a good vibe!

Cons

-very little yard (practically none - but this could be a pro as I have never mowed before in my life)

-looks like a slight leak from a drain spout

-costs more than the other house I'm looking at

-across the street from a rec center (high foot traffic)

-lower resale value

-my bedroom would be on the third floor - that's three flights of stairs for laundry

-kind of shares a wall with another building - it is the old firehouse now photography studio

Springlawn

Pros

-more of a family feel kind of house

-yard

-one car garage

-4 bed 2 full bath

-small front porch back patio

-cheaper than Chase

-Quite neighborhood

-wouldn't scare my parents to visit (pro or con not sure)

Cons

-anyone besides me would do off street parking

-kitchen cabinets are poop (well just not that pretty)

-carpet on second floor will eventually need replaced but livable now

I really like both houses for different reasons.... what to do????

Journeys

I was reminded during my Yoga Teacher Training a couple of weeks ago that I am not the controller. I was reminded again today when I read a friends blog. As much as we try to control everything around us - well I'll speak for myself, I do this - I know I'm still not in control. I may think ok today I'm going to check xyz off my list at work and then BAM, I get a crazy deadline that has to be done and I stay late to accomplish the goal.

I have been on quite a few journeys lately. I have travelled. So far in 2010 I've been to Puerto Rico, Hawaii and Seattle. These journeys have been more than just vacations. I am continuing to work on me, letting go, moving forward. And just when I think I have it all under control the universe reminds me that I don't, and I forgive more, love more, cry more and take the next step.

During our Bhakti Yoga session we were reminded:
Be more humble than a blade of grass, more tolerant than a tree and respect everyone without expecting any respect in return

So remember, you wouldn't be here today if you hadn't walked the road you have been on. My path, my journey, has led me here. Here is good! I am not the controller.

You might as well have beginnings

Jill Sobule sings "The end will always come, so you might as well have beginnings" and the next line is "Love is never equal after all". This morning I was singing this song in my head. Thinking about things ending and things beginning. And, really, it's just life continuing. The Indigo Girls said "You have to laugh at yourself, you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't". These words have been my mantra lately.

I laugh because by mid February I will have changed my address with the post office 4 times since September, 2009. I will have packed up and moved three times. I laugh because of love, it sometimes leads us down unknown paths, and now as my heart is whole I'm sure love will find a way to lead me down some other path of unfamiliarity.

And why not have new beginnings? New beginnings with old and new friends, trying new things, buying a new house, picking up a new hobby, starting a bakery. New, New, New. And yes, the end will come, whether we choose it to be so or if life hands us an unexpected gift.

I urge you, have beginnings! It's what makes us human.

Year in Reflection

Ringing in the new year is always fun no matter how you do it. I've had the chill parties and I've had the all out parties, heck 10 years ago Martha and I had a crazy, crazy party.

Last night was wonderful, I went to a friends house for some amazing vegan goodness, dance party (we had an awesome dj), and even a drum circle! I have been nursing a cold so I rang it all in in style with lots of water. Go me.

As I sat on the couch after the ball dropped I told a friend how happy I was to have 2009 come to an end, as I have claimed it had been the worst year of my life. Then I looked around. None of the people I was with were in my life before 2009. I was in a room full of beautiful people who have made my life so full.

So the pros and cons, well the only con is the incredible heart ache that I felt (feel). So let's get to the pros:

I felt the most amazing love I have ever felt
New job
New apartment
Friends, old and new full of love and support
Found yoga
Sweet Peace Bakery - the beginnings of my vegan bakery becoming a reality
Finding myself (priceless)
Breaking up (a gift that is slowly being realized)
Friends, did I say that already?

There is so much more! So, in 2010 my journey continues. I think that maybe we have to feel extreme heart ache to realize true love. And I will be giving birth to my hopes and dreams!
Stay tuned... life is only getting better.

One year later

I have been dreading today for a few months now. I wasn't sure how I would react. I wasn't sure how I would feel. Would I be able to handle it?

A year ago today Gloria gave me a ring and a promise of forever. And as life does, things have changed and our "forever" is not in the cards.

So today I'm taking a moment to reflect. I'm taking the time to be thankful for everything that is in my life. I truly feel like I'm right where I am supposed to be. My journey has brought me here. Gloria may not be "the one" as previously thought, but she brought joy and goodness to my life and in leaving she has helped me become stronger and realize what I want.

I am thankful for so much... my friends, my chosen family and the love bubble, YOGA (yoga helps me let go and I've been needing that), family, friends (I know I said that but I have amazing people in my life who are full of love and support who are there to be a shoulder to cry on and a pillar of strength)

Those are only a few of the things I'm thankful for. Each day I have a choice. My words and actions are an extension of who I am. Instead of feeling anger toward where life has lead me and think about what could/would/should have been, I choose to walk in peace and love and welcome the newness of life.

Thank you friends!

Change...

I feel very fortunate in life to find myself in places of inspiration. Lately the universe has brought me the things I need without me asking....
I have amazing friends the have lifted me up and continue to do so as I take this new journey. Sunday, I went to Earthsave Cincinnati's potluck and the speakers engaged us on activism. http://www.veganvideo.org. Monday night was another vegan potluck centering on world peace and veganism. Tonight I was at a fundraiser for our local women's choir MUSE and a musician by the name of Holly Near was there. Everyone there was at least 20 years older than me and together we all say "I ain't gonna study war no more" and tears came to my eyes. I have been blessed to be surrounded with beautiful souls who are active in making change in the world. It's all helping me find my peace and activate my soul.

Finality

Today I signed the papers to make the house G's. It has been quite the journey. I remember when I started this journey. When I first met G the love and the promise that just swept me away. This was to be something like no other. And in this journey I found great love. I found the ability to give of myself, things that I had never been able to give to anyone else.
I have also found that the song is right "sometimes love just isn't enough". Through my love I still could not make G happy. And I now know it is not my job to make her happy. Our happiness should not rely on each other - we should be happy with our without each other.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier, my heart still yearns for the love we once shared. Despite it all I know this path is the right one. And with selling the house to G I am one step closer to ending this chapter.

Hope Alone

Let's not drag this out
Everything's in motion
Though I've only ever loved you kind
And with devotion
Remember when I met you
You were leaving from the start
I thought one day you'd probably just come home
And break my heart
It's funny what you know
And still go on pretending
With no good evidence
You'll ever see that happy ending
You Looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
I know I'm a dreamer
So I'll give you that
Still I hope I'm more than just a place
You laid your hat
You're a land of secrets
Its only citizen
And though I paid my dues
I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger
Especially today
Cause I get sad and lonely
And you get your way
You were looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
That we were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
Holding on for change
I know We never stood a chance
So I could only wait
And watch you slip right through my hands
You were always looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big