I’m gay and I don’t eat chicken

I have known for some time now the stance that Chick-fil-a took on my sexuality.  Any oppression or ill will toward anyone because of ANYTHING tugs at my heart.  I spent most of last evening thinking of a response to the outpouring of both support and disgust for Chick-fil-a and those who did or did not eat at the establishment yesterday.

As a child into my pre-teens I went to church religiously, only listened to Christian music, and followed what I was taught as far what Jesus wanted for my life.  And, as of today, I don’t agree with organized religion but I do remember what the basis of the bible taught me.  LOVE. 

How do I love?  I will not defriend you on Facebook for eating at Chick-fil-a.  Why?  Because I’m your friend due to a connection we have made.  Sure, some of my Facebook friends maybe are old, new, acquaintances, yet you are still in my life.  I value your friendship, even if it means I don’t agree with you and for my own personal sanity I may hide some of your posts.  That is my decision.  This is not meant to be mean or malicious; it simply is to keep my own spirit lifted.

And I don’t eat chicken.  I don’t eat any animal products.  As a vegan I wouldn’t eat at Chick-fil-a anyway.   Throughout this ongoing saga I couldn’t decide what it was that really upset me.   The large number of chickens who are slaughtered daily or that people want to have a say in who I love and who I marry.  At the end of the day, I’m still alive and the chickens are dead. 

I don't want to come at this from a place of anger or hatred.  If I can speak my truth with love maybe you can  hear me more clearly.  I am gay, I want to marry the woman I love (or will love one day ;)).  I am vegan, I don't think any animal should be used for his or her body.

I ask you to think about what will you do now?  Will you choose to donate to an LGBTQ group in honor of this event?  Will you sit idly by and continue to bitch?  Will you stand up and make the change happen? 

What did I do?  I donated to GLADD

on the verge of a new year

I have to say that I am looking forward to the new year.  Not because 2011 was bad.  In fact, I'd say 2011 is a year that I will look at fondly.  I had a wonderful 2011.

• I met an amazing woman who I thought might be someone I'd date long term.  I enjoyed every moment I spent with her and look forward to moving forward in friendship as we both grow. 
• I started to really take care of my diet - tried raw, did a cleanse went mostly gluten free - learned ways to make my body feel good simply by eating right
• Joined FITE - best gym ever.  
• dropped 2 pants sizes (yes the last three bullets are kind of on the same page - but taking care of myself became a main priority in 2011 and it feels great)
• Went thru prenatal yoga training
• finished my 200 hr yoga training
• went to camp camp
• bought a VW bus for my bakery 
• Bakery expanded even more
• took more action toward animal rights
• found more ways to share my passion

OK, I know there is more.  I do love 2011 and all it brought - the good and the bad (and it definitely had it's lows)... I know 2012 will be even better.  More personal growth, more expansion at my heart center, more healing energy, more letting go, abundance for myself and abundance that I can share.  So i welcome the new year with light and love.

Online Dating

I have no shame, it is true. I have an online dating profile. I think that I probably even have a match.com profile from when I was in college. So if someone finds that profile from the late 90s of me seeking men.... well, have a good laugh.

So anyway, online dating is surely one of the most entertaining things I have done. I thoroughly enjoy the pictures people post, what they say about themselves and the occasional email I receive. And only once have I been caught off guard at a lesbian potluck when someone asked me if I was (insert screename here). I of course said yes, a few more awkward words were exchanged, then we parted ways. I had to later get online and find her to figure out who she was...

Anyway, I got my first pseudo proposal via email yesterday and thought I'd share. And maybe I should blog more about adventures in dating.... That could be fun!

"WOW ..... WOW ...... WOW

this gal would have to drop down on her knee' if she ever saw You out in a club, and eg for a chance to have a dance, with such a GORGEOUS Woman.

Oh I Envy the lucky gal thatwins your heart .........
what a GORGEOUS SEXY SMILE, and your Eyes are just so BEAUTIFUL they are simply Captivating, Highlighted by that Amazing Red Hair

You area Cutie .... actually Gorgeous .... I should say Drop dead Gorgeous !!!!!! "

I of course wrote her back thanking her for the compliment.

Question Everything....

I am nearly finished with the Sue Monk Kidd book "the Dance of the Dissident Daughter". It is as if it is speaking to me as I read it. It is a journey from her submersion in the patriarchal church and male symbolism to the realization to the Divine Feminine.

Reading the book has started, or should I say, re-started this want/need in me to question things. Like what is this symbol? What does it symbolize to others and what does it mean to me? Can I buy into some of this symbolism culture has created without buying into the patriarchal attachment. Why do we have these rituals... Who created these expectations?

We can always fall back on the men who wrote the majority of the history books, including the bible.

In Yoga we talk about "God" which sometimes strikes a chord with me. "God" is male. We all can argue that "God" is genderless but then think about the pronoun you attach when you aren't using the word "God". It is a male pronoun.

For me coming from an ultra religious background and then being able to find my own path - which meant choosing what church I attended to finding the real definition of feminism while in college and realizing that I was "one of them... a feminist".

So I am. I am sitting here at work questioning my own construct. Wondering if I maybe veered off a bit from my journey... but then again, what is my journey.

It feels good to question everything... including myself.

What is Camp?

Many people in my life know me because I was a camp director for 9 years of my life and also a camp staff member, camper etc. all with the Girl Scouts. I left the Girl Scouts for a new job and direction about two years ago. This week... I've been missing camp. I locked myself out of my house yesterday morning and while I was waiting on the porch for my roommate to rescue me I thought, wow if I were at camp I would have gone for a swim, put up the flag, sang some songs, ate breakfast, played with the campers and be in the camp office most likely joking around with the ad staff.

I also got word yesterday that the first camp I ever directed, Camp Tweedale, in Oxford, Pa is being sold. At first I was really sad but also understanding that the merge of councils and realignment that these things happen. This I'm sure was taken under much consideration and many decision makers took part in the process.

Then came the memories....

Tweedale is full of memories for me:

-at 22 I was an assistant camp director for the first time then director for the next two years
-crushed on my first girl, you know who you are :) and then also dated my first girl (and second, haha)
-had tan lines from the numerous friendship bracelets
-met people from all over the world which resulted in trips to Scotland, Holland and England and a post camp vacation in the Virgin Islands all with camp people.
-learned to play guitar
-dyed my hair purple
-lost the canoes in a storm... oops
-got a speeding ticket driving girls to the AT
-Jinx and I moved our offices outside for a day, yay for new office furniture being on wheels, haha
-late nights chilling in the Barn Circle with Kia (an instant summer best friend!)
-baby skunk getting stuck in the pool and spraying
-spider and ape building me an amphitheatre on my last day of camp, knowing that I was moving to another camp for full time employment
-screaming campers in the Forest Unit
-Jinx not wanting to call 911 with her accent
-taking the cook to the hospital
-tics

Oh soooo much more. This camp, Camp Tweedale taught me so much, how to be a leader, love, respect, more than I can put into words. But really these memories have nothing to do with the physical location of the camp... it has to do with the people.

And since it is my blog and I get to have my own soapbox here I want to say this. If we believe i camp so much and we are so sad to see this property disappear than what are we doing to keep what we do have? What are you doing to make sure your Girl Scout Camp experience is being continued for other girls? Are you volunteering? Are you donating money? Just because you love camp doesn't make it stay. Camps need money, volunteers, advocates, campers etc.

Here is my summary... camp is not just a location, it's the magic created by the community. It is simply the location we all met and where the magic was created. And, our memories won't keep the property running...

They may sell the property, but we'll always have our memories.

Letting Go

I have been thinking a lot about space and time, the things that we claim "happen to us", and continuing my personal growth. Personal growth has been big for me in the recent year or so. Asking myself, who am I, where am I going, is this how I want to walk through this world?

I feel like sometimes I have mild epiphanies, the other day was about creating space. I have never had a problem creating physical space. I can move over, empty a drawer, or clear something off the the table so someone else can be there, physically. But how am I making space in myself for someone.

Now, I think some of this is coming to me after reading "If the Buddha Dated". But truly, how am I making space inside me to allow others in. Not just a significant other, but people I care about. And am I proud enough of who I truly am to let them see the space within. Or maybe, am I comfortable enough about my journey, deeply rooted in it, that I feel comfortable sharing it with others despite reactions.

Today I think, letting go really means making space for newness. The more I let go the more light I can let in. For me this practice comes from meditation, noticing my thoughts and shifting my perception and my yoga practice.

I also want to share with you the things that make me happy, the things I'm letting in. Today the simple act of figuring out the google calendar and sharing it with someone very important in my life both expanded my knowledge and let her in to see a bit more of me. The perk is I get to see more of her as well.

Now to figure out mobile uploads and things for this blog.

Lack of Blogging

Oh my slacker bloggerness. Often times when I am away from a computer I think of all the great things I should blog about. When i get to a computer I'm usually distracted by looking up recipes, facebook, or email. I should make a point to blog.... and maybe I will. (That is my non committal commitment to do so)

I'm thinking I will focus on what makes me happy, what lifts me up. Bitching in the format just seems pointless, that's what facebook posts are for right?

What is making me happy?

First I have to admit that I have been frequenting the Shell station just a few blocks from work because they have a subway. Yesterday I got my vegan footlong... and today I did the same. (I'm refusing to grocery shop before I go out of town)

The woman who rang me up asked me "How are you doing today, you were here yesterday". This made me laugh a little, thinking "soon they'll have my credit card number memorized." The simple engagement in conversation made me happy. I told her I wasn't going grocery shopping before the holidays and she said she wasn't either. If she did her kids would come over and eat all her food. I guess it's subway for both of us for awhile. At least I'm eating my veggies!

Side note: I also laugh at "subway eat fresh". I often think, "is this really fresh?"

Ok I'll work on this... even get some pictures up in here!

For the Animals

I spent last weekend at Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, New York. It was their annual Hoe Down. It shaped up to be a weekend of camping, vegan based workshops animal time and of course, a barn dance.

I left wondering if its possible to be even more committed to veganism. I have left with a sense of calm. knowing that I am making a deference in my daily choices and actions. One of the presenters talked about our daily interactions. One of my goals this year has been to be a peaceful joyful vegan. Not the finger pointing you are wrong because you eat meat and animal products vegan.

Rae said, "one moment before I was vegetarian, I wasn't. One moment before I was vegan, I wasn't." How simple and true. One moment before I knew, I didn't know.

I am committed to veganism and I am committed to meeting people on their path, where ever they might be with open arms and acceptance. Besides we'll all be vegan eventually - I figure we are all vegan when we're dead.

I love you all, vegan, non vegan, and whatever else you bring to my life!

Religion....

Religion has been a huge part of my upbringing. I grew up going to a church called "The Church of the First Born". Was it a cult? I think probably... OK, let's backtrack.

My parents met in college through a church group facilitated by the church mentioned previously. After graduation my dad went to seminary. He became a United Methodist Minister. Said church, mentioned above somehow wooed him back to their church, he left the ministry and went. I was part of this Church ages 5-13. In which time I only listened to Christian Music, watched religious TV, never went trick-or-treating and well thought I would save the world by convincing my friends to be "saved".

My parents had a wake up call and left that church, Dad went back into the ministry and became preacher again and my mom went to seminary. I left the church and never looked back. I went to the baptist church for awhile to oogle over cute boys - nothing to do with religion.

Today I am no fan of organized religion. I am finding my spirituality through my yoga practice, nature and love. I get outraged at the hatred that comes from the "church" against women, against gays, against the teletubbies. When I was going to church I was told that God is a God of love, so where is the love? Jesus fed the homeless, helped prostitutes and most likely had plenty of gay friends.

I just read this blog http://naytinalbert.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-hugged-man-in-his-underwear-and-i-am.html which made me cry. Thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes, it really moved me. What is moving you? Religion, Creed, Spirituality, Buddha, Krishna, God, Goddess, Jesus....

Hate and disrespect is not a part of any religion.

Talking shoes

I kept thinking about blogging last week and it just didn't happen. I was wearing what was to be my wedding shoes. After all, it's too late to return them to the store and there is no need for them to collect dust right? This got me thinking of the sayings about putting yourself in someone else's shoes... walk a mile in these shoes... other sayings .... if these walls could talk... What would my shoes tell you? If my walls could speak what would they say.

It's funny to me to think about the secrets and memories the "things" in our lives hold. I can put on a pair of shoes and have a streaming memory. I might put on a shirt and think, last time I wore this I was at Kings Island with .... It really is crazy. Some stories are to be shared and some are to be kept sacred just for me.

If I had blogged this idea a week ago this would not have been the content at all. I would have been blogging about moving on and finding new purpose in the shoes and creating new memories for them and myself. But, I'm doing that everyday. Ever day is a new memory. I get to make the choices of how I perceive situations and how I react.

Then today I discovered new music w/ lyrics that spoke volumes to me so pay no attention to the previous babble and soak this in:

Lovely
By Sara Haze

I don't wanna be hurt
I just want to be little old me
Shouldn't have to think
Who am I suppose to be today
And what gives you the right
To tell me who I should be
Who gave you that right

Cause I, I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I know you want the best
Yeah only good things for me
But you have to realize
I can be all these things you project on me
Cause I'm beautiful to me
Doesn't that mean a thing

I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I need that to be enough for you
Need that to be enough for you
Cause it's enough for me
It's enough for me

I'm I suppose to give up everything I am
Just to make you happy
I thought I was the one you
Always wanted me to be
It turns out I'm just little old me
I'm just little old me
And that's fine by me

Cause I, I am lovely
Just the way that I am
Oh yes I am,
Yes I am lovely
The way that I am
I am lovely lovely
I am lovely

Let Go - Go Fish

Yesterday I went to a seminar on reemerging into the workforce as a entrepreneur, and low and behold I run into the ex and her wife. OK Mary Beth, Breathe. I wave at the wife and sit at another table. Although I know that I'm in a better place and I know that everything happens for a reason and all the other things I funnel through my brain.... I still had a rise of emotion. Breathe into it. I survived and was friendly and the heat in my head went away.

As I left I called a dear friend. This is, of course, what we girls do - call our friends when we are in need or have a great story to share.

She told me she had read a blog awhile back about the game of Go Fish. This game is famous! You have cards in your hand and you are trying to make a match. You ask someone "do you have an 8?" (only of course if you are looking for a 8). If the person you ask does not have an 8, your heart doesn't break, you don't feel dis pare, you simply follow the directions and "Go Fish".

Life is a game of "Go Fish". With G, she had some of the right cards, I had some of the right cards, but maybe not the most important cards. And I get to go fish. The pain is real, the heartache exists, but given the opportunity to "Go Fish" means I pick up another card. I add this card to my hand. That means I have something else to give away! I have learned a lesson. I have gained a skill. This can apply to friends too, lately I've been wondering what happened to certain friendships - maybe our cards don't match anymore.

Think of this in other aspects of your life... You go on a job interview. It feels good. Unfortunately, you don't get the job. You get to "Go Fish". You have just obtained some knowledge/experience that will help you the next time. And when you have the cards that an employer wants, you find a match and you get the job.

This is all well and good in theory. But how do we let go of the attachment? The feeling of hope, love, wanting, lusting, wishing, longing and more? How do we let of of those feelings that we have attached ourselves to related to whatever situation we are in. That my friend I don't know. For me, it has been Yoga, breathing, baking, friends, and lots of me-time. Also, changing my perspective. It's OK if I'm not the right person for a certain job or significant other, "Go Fish".

So Breathe
Let Go
Go Fish
Use the cards in your hand, add to them, and give them away to others!

Brick Walls

I am thankful that when I hit a brickwall a little over 9 months ago that it caused a huge crack and a ton of sunlight came in. I think this happens to people more than we care to share. In one moment everything we know to be true about our lifes changes. The direction we are going makes a ninety degree turn and we have no choice but to take a sharp turn. And so it happened.

It feels so good to reflect on life, the things that have come and gone, the things that still are and the things that are ahead.

How many times have we all hit brickwalls and thought that, dramatically, it was the end of the world. I say we hit it hard, knock it down, and step on over it. Life is what we make of it!

And so it is

The house hunt is over. I think my realtor was not so fond of my true nature as a bargain hunter. It showed it's face during the house hunt. I love the house I put the offer in on, but I had to be so sure. If there was something cheaper out there that looked good I had to see it, even though i was still in love with the house I inevitably am purchasing. I wanted a sign or something to know that I should spend the money. All I had to do was look inside myself. I was in the house four times, I feel the house and I have a connection. And on Friday I made it final. So, I'll have the inspection on Wednesday, and then closing to follow!

Now the hunt for a vegan roommate!

Choices

Although I'm trying to free myself of being in control and what the future holds I also have to make decisions...

I have been in the market to buy a house for a little while now. This is a big deal. As much as I want to live in the moment and let life be what it is, I have to choose. I am torn between two houses so I'm going to blog out my pros and cons, is there really a better way to make a pros and cons list? I think not:

Two Family on Chase:

Pros

-very close (walkable) to my fav places, Northside Tavern, Sidewinders, Melt

-two family - a promise of part of my mortgage always being paid for

-adorable and trendy (is that two)

-great kitchens - the cabinets are great - good space and their are two

-can easily be a single family

-off street parking

-rental property - investment

-three full baths! if I have roomies this is bonus and a half

-hard wood floors on second and third floor

-current owner has yoga books and Buddha's (I know they don't come with the house) but a good vibe!

Cons

-very little yard (practically none - but this could be a pro as I have never mowed before in my life)

-looks like a slight leak from a drain spout

-costs more than the other house I'm looking at

-across the street from a rec center (high foot traffic)

-lower resale value

-my bedroom would be on the third floor - that's three flights of stairs for laundry

-kind of shares a wall with another building - it is the old firehouse now photography studio

Springlawn

Pros

-more of a family feel kind of house

-yard

-one car garage

-4 bed 2 full bath

-small front porch back patio

-cheaper than Chase

-Quite neighborhood

-wouldn't scare my parents to visit (pro or con not sure)

Cons

-anyone besides me would do off street parking

-kitchen cabinets are poop (well just not that pretty)

-carpet on second floor will eventually need replaced but livable now

I really like both houses for different reasons.... what to do????

Journeys

I was reminded during my Yoga Teacher Training a couple of weeks ago that I am not the controller. I was reminded again today when I read a friends blog. As much as we try to control everything around us - well I'll speak for myself, I do this - I know I'm still not in control. I may think ok today I'm going to check xyz off my list at work and then BAM, I get a crazy deadline that has to be done and I stay late to accomplish the goal.

I have been on quite a few journeys lately. I have travelled. So far in 2010 I've been to Puerto Rico, Hawaii and Seattle. These journeys have been more than just vacations. I am continuing to work on me, letting go, moving forward. And just when I think I have it all under control the universe reminds me that I don't, and I forgive more, love more, cry more and take the next step.

During our Bhakti Yoga session we were reminded:
Be more humble than a blade of grass, more tolerant than a tree and respect everyone without expecting any respect in return

So remember, you wouldn't be here today if you hadn't walked the road you have been on. My path, my journey, has led me here. Here is good! I am not the controller.

You might as well have beginnings

Jill Sobule sings "The end will always come, so you might as well have beginnings" and the next line is "Love is never equal after all". This morning I was singing this song in my head. Thinking about things ending and things beginning. And, really, it's just life continuing. The Indigo Girls said "You have to laugh at yourself, you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't". These words have been my mantra lately.

I laugh because by mid February I will have changed my address with the post office 4 times since September, 2009. I will have packed up and moved three times. I laugh because of love, it sometimes leads us down unknown paths, and now as my heart is whole I'm sure love will find a way to lead me down some other path of unfamiliarity.

And why not have new beginnings? New beginnings with old and new friends, trying new things, buying a new house, picking up a new hobby, starting a bakery. New, New, New. And yes, the end will come, whether we choose it to be so or if life hands us an unexpected gift.

I urge you, have beginnings! It's what makes us human.

Year in Reflection

Ringing in the new year is always fun no matter how you do it. I've had the chill parties and I've had the all out parties, heck 10 years ago Martha and I had a crazy, crazy party.

Last night was wonderful, I went to a friends house for some amazing vegan goodness, dance party (we had an awesome dj), and even a drum circle! I have been nursing a cold so I rang it all in in style with lots of water. Go me.

As I sat on the couch after the ball dropped I told a friend how happy I was to have 2009 come to an end, as I have claimed it had been the worst year of my life. Then I looked around. None of the people I was with were in my life before 2009. I was in a room full of beautiful people who have made my life so full.

So the pros and cons, well the only con is the incredible heart ache that I felt (feel). So let's get to the pros:

I felt the most amazing love I have ever felt
New job
New apartment
Friends, old and new full of love and support
Found yoga
Sweet Peace Bakery - the beginnings of my vegan bakery becoming a reality
Finding myself (priceless)
Breaking up (a gift that is slowly being realized)
Friends, did I say that already?

There is so much more! So, in 2010 my journey continues. I think that maybe we have to feel extreme heart ache to realize true love. And I will be giving birth to my hopes and dreams!
Stay tuned... life is only getting better.

One year later

I have been dreading today for a few months now. I wasn't sure how I would react. I wasn't sure how I would feel. Would I be able to handle it?

A year ago today Gloria gave me a ring and a promise of forever. And as life does, things have changed and our "forever" is not in the cards.

So today I'm taking a moment to reflect. I'm taking the time to be thankful for everything that is in my life. I truly feel like I'm right where I am supposed to be. My journey has brought me here. Gloria may not be "the one" as previously thought, but she brought joy and goodness to my life and in leaving she has helped me become stronger and realize what I want.

I am thankful for so much... my friends, my chosen family and the love bubble, YOGA (yoga helps me let go and I've been needing that), family, friends (I know I said that but I have amazing people in my life who are full of love and support who are there to be a shoulder to cry on and a pillar of strength)

Those are only a few of the things I'm thankful for. Each day I have a choice. My words and actions are an extension of who I am. Instead of feeling anger toward where life has lead me and think about what could/would/should have been, I choose to walk in peace and love and welcome the newness of life.

Thank you friends!

Change...

I feel very fortunate in life to find myself in places of inspiration. Lately the universe has brought me the things I need without me asking....
I have amazing friends the have lifted me up and continue to do so as I take this new journey. Sunday, I went to Earthsave Cincinnati's potluck and the speakers engaged us on activism. http://www.veganvideo.org. Monday night was another vegan potluck centering on world peace and veganism. Tonight I was at a fundraiser for our local women's choir MUSE and a musician by the name of Holly Near was there. Everyone there was at least 20 years older than me and together we all say "I ain't gonna study war no more" and tears came to my eyes. I have been blessed to be surrounded with beautiful souls who are active in making change in the world. It's all helping me find my peace and activate my soul.

Finality

Today I signed the papers to make the house G's. It has been quite the journey. I remember when I started this journey. When I first met G the love and the promise that just swept me away. This was to be something like no other. And in this journey I found great love. I found the ability to give of myself, things that I had never been able to give to anyone else.
I have also found that the song is right "sometimes love just isn't enough". Through my love I still could not make G happy. And I now know it is not my job to make her happy. Our happiness should not rely on each other - we should be happy with our without each other.
Knowing all of this doesn't make it easier, my heart still yearns for the love we once shared. Despite it all I know this path is the right one. And with selling the house to G I am one step closer to ending this chapter.

Hope Alone

Let's not drag this out
Everything's in motion
Though I've only ever loved you kind
And with devotion
Remember when I met you
You were leaving from the start
I thought one day you'd probably just come home
And break my heart
It's funny what you know
And still go on pretending
With no good evidence
You'll ever see that happy ending
You Looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
I know I'm a dreamer
So I'll give you that
Still I hope I'm more than just a place
You laid your hat
You're a land of secrets
Its only citizen
And though I paid my dues
I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger
Especially today
Cause I get sad and lonely
And you get your way
You were looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
That we were just an empty dream too big
For hope alone to fill
Holding on for change
I know We never stood a chance
So I could only wait
And watch you slip right through my hands
You were always looking for your distance
And sensing my resistance
You had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big